In school every day sitting down with the same faces over and over again needing to move to stretch to shake to do ANYTHING else . Filling the mind with things that it just wants to spit out and reject and never know again because GUESS WHAT it's relevant to nothing and nothing is ever going to come of it other than 40 wasted hours of my LIFE . And I'm so confused God what are You doing this is so DIFFICULT but what is coming of it I know I can't see the whole picture this is so hard to stay optimistic to not GIVE UP I need a break a breath of fresh air even the kids didn't make me smile tonight I just wanted them to leave to be quiet there are only 7 people on the planet I want to be with and I don't feel that they feel the same or they are just so darn UNREACHABLE .
God, PLEASE help me to get past this ugly state I'm in!
(Despite the kind of awesome rants I'm able to create by running off this emotion , I'd rather my attitude was different :-)
- Suzie
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Purple Scratch ... and bed
For Writer's Craft class, we have to write a story that would appeal to adolescants.
Mine is a little bit different.
It's about Dream Walkers (don't panic if you don't know the term: I invented it). They dream just like normal people, but their dreams tell the future, or the past, or just generally give information about things in the world. My main character's name is Jaimin: she is a Dream Walker who is very beautiful (all Dream Walkers have white hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows, and a purple scratch (birthmark) underneath their hairline on the left side of their neck) - she is very beautiful, and loves Dream Walking - she thinks she's queen of the world, and is very proud and snobby ;-)
...
Okay, so I'm continuing on this post from when I was writing it before (I saved it) and right now I don't really feel like writing about my novel, but instead I'm gonna show you something that my friend told me a few seconds ago ...
The word ' bed ' actually looks like a bed!
Look at it.
It does, doesn't it!?!
Cool, eh?
;-)
Mine is a little bit different.
It's about Dream Walkers (don't panic if you don't know the term: I invented it). They dream just like normal people, but their dreams tell the future, or the past, or just generally give information about things in the world. My main character's name is Jaimin: she is a Dream Walker who is very beautiful (all Dream Walkers have white hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows, and a purple scratch (birthmark) underneath their hairline on the left side of their neck) - she is very beautiful, and loves Dream Walking - she thinks she's queen of the world, and is very proud and snobby ;-)
...
Okay, so I'm continuing on this post from when I was writing it before (I saved it) and right now I don't really feel like writing about my novel, but instead I'm gonna show you something that my friend told me a few seconds ago ...
The word ' bed ' actually looks like a bed!
Look at it.
It does, doesn't it!?!
Cool, eh?
;-)
Friday, January 22, 2010
I can Dream a LOT : Don't Give Up
A friend sent me this video. It made me realize how beautiful life is: how much, even though I've been going through a really rough time emotionally lately, God Loves me! How much He Loves us all! I realized things that just made everything kind of fall into place. I'm not perfect, but He works in my weakness. He is glorified, and I am His child, to rest in His arms, in perfect peace, and LOVED - forever.
<3
I want to learn what that TRULY means. Because I can taste the Heavenly meaning behind it: the hope that will make everything else fade so that only Love remains. The God who created the universe created me, Loves me beyond all reasonable reckoning, and has a perfect plan for me that is better than anything I could ever dream. And heck, I can dream a lot.
I want Him to be the absolute, central focus of my life.
I'm once again fully surrendering it to Him.
Good night, guys! ♥
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Blind
I'm trying to memorize the monologue I have to perform in drama ... tomorrow :-S. Since I feel like writing a blog also, I'm gonna try and kill two birds with one stone ;-)
BLIND
Grey was the first colour I ever saw.
Then there was red.
I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am. Yet it's all so confusing. A whirlwind of confusion. Realize, of course, that I've never seen a whirlwind before, but I'm going to. I'm going to see everything!
I want the charges on the boy dropped. Yes, I realize I am walking around with a concussion, but that does not give you any right not to listen to me. I belong to a family of taxpayers. I have every right to be treated like your boss, not some random lady that got jumped at the seven-eleven two weeks ago.
Grey was the first colour I ever saw. But it wasn't until I saw red that I realized what grey meant to me. I needed that: the sight of my own blood on the greyed pavement, to realize that I wasn't looking at merely nothing. Nothingness has a colour.
Mr. Bowman, my whole life doctors have been telling me and my family that my blindness was a fixable condition. It was some sort of faulty connection in a nerve. For twenty-six years they've been sending us bills for pumping me full of drugs and cutting me open to take a look. They've charged my family tens of thousands of dollars and given us nothing but their confusion that I was still blind. In one night, that kid solved my problem, yet all he got was the seven dollars in my wallet. Do you honestly think that a person like that kid just whams blind ladies in the head for a hobby? He gave me a miracle, and I am refusing to press charges. Yet you keep holding him, calling him a public threat. I am a taxpayer, and I refuse to let you use my tax money to hold that child.
It's obvious that you don't care, you're just some monkey in a double-breasted uniform. You use that soft voice, yeah, I can read insincerity in my earshot, and I tell you, I have good ears. I've spent twenty-six years looking at you with these ears. Twenty-six years of excuse me's and I'm sorry and being sent down the wrong street because I couldn't read the sign. Please, I'm trying to make a point here. That kid gave me something that twenty-six years of doctors and drugs and operations couldn't. But you keep bringing up laws and society and crime. Which crime?
Maybe, on Saturday, I was only trying to get a pack of cigarettes-you look surprised. Didn't you know that blind women can smoke too? I prefer Camels light, and I can tell just as well as anyone when I'm given the wrong brand. Maybe I was only trying to buy some smokes, but I got a miracle. And yeah, it hurt, so did all the operations I've had. You think brain surgery is a day at the fair?
Hey, I made an appointment to talk to you and you're treating me like someone who doesn't have a right to voice an opinion in this situation. Mr. Bowman, I was the victim. I lost a pint of blood, but I'll give it back. You need to believe me that I will fight for this boy's defense. What kind of society raises thirteen-year-old boys to attack blind women? The same society that kept turning me down for employment. I know what world he's been in. A world that keeps everybody but the perfect out.
BLIND
Grey was the first colour I ever saw.
Then there was red.
I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am. Yet it's all so confusing. A whirlwind of confusion. Realize, of course, that I've never seen a whirlwind before, but I'm going to. I'm going to see everything!
I want the charges on the boy dropped. Yes, I realize I am walking around with a concussion, but that does not give you any right not to listen to me. I belong to a family of taxpayers. I have every right to be treated like your boss, not some random lady that got jumped at the seven-eleven two weeks ago.
Grey was the first colour I ever saw. But it wasn't until I saw red that I realized what grey meant to me. I needed that: the sight of my own blood on the greyed pavement, to realize that I wasn't looking at merely nothing. Nothingness has a colour.
Mr. Bowman, my whole life doctors have been telling me and my family that my blindness was a fixable condition. It was some sort of faulty connection in a nerve. For twenty-six years they've been sending us bills for pumping me full of drugs and cutting me open to take a look. They've charged my family tens of thousands of dollars and given us nothing but their confusion that I was still blind. In one night, that kid solved my problem, yet all he got was the seven dollars in my wallet. Do you honestly think that a person like that kid just whams blind ladies in the head for a hobby? He gave me a miracle, and I am refusing to press charges. Yet you keep holding him, calling him a public threat. I am a taxpayer, and I refuse to let you use my tax money to hold that child.
It's obvious that you don't care, you're just some monkey in a double-breasted uniform. You use that soft voice, yeah, I can read insincerity in my earshot, and I tell you, I have good ears. I've spent twenty-six years looking at you with these ears. Twenty-six years of excuse me's and I'm sorry and being sent down the wrong street because I couldn't read the sign. Please, I'm trying to make a point here. That kid gave me something that twenty-six years of doctors and drugs and operations couldn't. But you keep bringing up laws and society and crime. Which crime?
Maybe, on Saturday, I was only trying to get a pack of cigarettes-you look surprised. Didn't you know that blind women can smoke too? I prefer Camels light, and I can tell just as well as anyone when I'm given the wrong brand. Maybe I was only trying to buy some smokes, but I got a miracle. And yeah, it hurt, so did all the operations I've had. You think brain surgery is a day at the fair?
Hey, I made an appointment to talk to you and you're treating me like someone who doesn't have a right to voice an opinion in this situation. Mr. Bowman, I was the victim. I lost a pint of blood, but I'll give it back. You need to believe me that I will fight for this boy's defense. What kind of society raises thirteen-year-old boys to attack blind women? The same society that kept turning me down for employment. I know what world he's been in. A world that keeps everybody but the perfect out.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Icky Feeling ...
I'm not feeling the greatest right now ...
Dear God:
You know what happened. My amazing friend K and I have been struggling with different things: with our friendship, and many other obstacles, for months. We finally spoke on the phone tonight and the end result was that we aren't going to really 'be friends' anymore. It's my fault, and it's hers. The blame isn't what matters. What matters is that I feel so helpless - I know she feels terrible right now, and I am powerless to help. So God, I'm doing now what I should have done since the beginning.
I'm choosing to TOTALLY Trust You with this.
Please, Lord, hold her in Your arms tonight and show her how wonderful she is.
And how much You ridiculously, incredibly, amazingly, LOVE her!
Thank You.
Your daughter,
Suzie ♥
P.S. Vocal lessons? They went well ;-) She liked my voice, but there are definitely MANY areas in which I could improve - one of them (which I have to practice for next Wednesday) being my breathing. In with the diaphragm - DON'T move the shoulders up!
Dear God:
You know what happened. My amazing friend K and I have been struggling with different things: with our friendship, and many other obstacles, for months. We finally spoke on the phone tonight and the end result was that we aren't going to really 'be friends' anymore. It's my fault, and it's hers. The blame isn't what matters. What matters is that I feel so helpless - I know she feels terrible right now, and I am powerless to help. So God, I'm doing now what I should have done since the beginning.
I'm choosing to TOTALLY Trust You with this.
Please, Lord, hold her in Your arms tonight and show her how wonderful she is.
And how much You ridiculously, incredibly, amazingly, LOVE her!
Thank You.
Your daughter,
Suzie ♥
P.S. Vocal lessons? They went well ;-) She liked my voice, but there are definitely MANY areas in which I could improve - one of them (which I have to practice for next Wednesday) being my breathing. In with the diaphragm - DON'T move the shoulders up!
Attempting to Write A Song
Ten minutes until I have to leave for my vocal lesson! :-D
But I have to write songs for Writer's Craft...
So...
Winning losing playing the game
Day in and day out we always complain
Circumstances strain us and we learn or we break
Digging ourselves deeper with each choice we choose to make
Freedom: what a word
And what a Truth behind the letters
Undying but unclaimed
And why: do we have something better?
I won't run any longer and I will not be choked
In my heart He brought healing when I thought that it broke
The promises He makes I tell the children that He means
....okay, I'm stuck ;-) Maybe I'll finish it later ... feel free to give me ideas!
But I have to write songs for Writer's Craft...
So...
Winning losing playing the game
Day in and day out we always complain
Circumstances strain us and we learn or we break
Digging ourselves deeper with each choice we choose to make
Freedom: what a word
And what a Truth behind the letters
Undying but unclaimed
And why: do we have something better?
I won't run any longer and I will not be choked
In my heart He brought healing when I thought that it broke
The promises He makes I tell the children that He means
....okay, I'm stuck ;-) Maybe I'll finish it later ... feel free to give me ideas!
Bookshelves and Anime ... ;-)
"That bookshelf is your inspiration. Go!"
So I'm sitting here in the library of West Hill Secondary School (I'm in grade 12, if you're really curious) on the black leather couches (I know, right? Sounds like we're pretty well off ... well I guess we kinda are ;-) beside one of my favourite people ~ Laurena King ~ on our spare (we were in Music Theater class, but our production *Beauty and the Beast* is done, so we have a spare until the end of the semeseter :-) and I told her I wanted to blog. And I asked her what to write about. And THAT (see above quote) is what she said.
Of course, I'm not going to write about that bookshelf. I probably could, if I wanted to. It's made of black metal and brown wood and has two sections: the top is 'Easy Read' and the bottom is 'Graphic Novels'. And it's beside a printer. A grey one, to be precise. But I'm done being precise. Maybe I'll tell you a bit more about myself. Or maybe I'll tell you a bit about Laurena.
She's sitting to the left of me, with her red - and - black (RED is my favourite colour, just so you know - and white, silver, and black are all tied for second) shoes propped up on the table, with a laptop on her ... lap. Looking at different authors' websites. Right now it's Meg Cabot, who I've never really been interested in, but who actually has a really sweet website with her book covers as the backdrops of the webpages - now she's telling me about this one story Meg Cabot wrote where the girl gets struck by lightening, and hence is given the ability to find missing people - mainly children. It actually sounds pretty decent.
I'm not sure where Andy is right now. Andy is Laurena's younger brother (she's a year older than me, he a year younger) and they're both really, really ... well, different than most people I hang out with - but SO much fun :-)
For instance, I've spent quite a bit of my time recently with them being the voice of three anime characters to help with Andy's tech project. I don't watch anime. I don't like anime. But it was really fun - recording the voices for these different characters of 'Avatar' - for those of you who know, I was 'Azula' (she's my favourite - she's psychotic ;-), Toph (the sarcastic blind one) and some random guard.
Anyhow, those are my thoughts for now ... but knowing me, I'll be writing a comopletely different blog in about three minutes, so don't worry, I won't be gone long! ;-)
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